These audio tapes were retrieved by courageous HT journalists from a remote palace in Saudi Arabia. Analysts surmise that, like Richard Nixon, Osama had his conversations recorded for historic purposes or perhaps for his memoirs.
Unidentified Minion: Boss, the Satanic US has warned its subjects that we may soon attack their electrical infrastructure or water supply through hacking their computers. Is this true?
Osama: I hadn't thought of it, but it's a good idea.
But Boss, we have no computer expertese. Only bomb-making and guerrilla training.
Idiot! I'm filthy rich. I can hire the expertese.
But Boss, the hacker's code... where can you find an un-American hacker?
You talk like an arrogant American... there are genius computer hackers all over the world—China, Korea, Malasia... The Russians would love to pull the tail of the Lion.
Boss, the Lion was the symbol of the British Empire. The US Empire has no such symbol.
All right, then "tug on Superman's cape".
Oh, Boss, who says you have no sense of humor.
Enough. Put out the RFB (request for bid).
[the rest of the tape is mostly minor administrative matters involving funds transfers, executive orders, posthumous commendations for martyrs.]
Osama: Gentlemen, at your seats is a list of US infrastructure targets we wish to disrupt. Your comments please.
[5 minutes of unintelligible conversation]
Gentlemen, gentlemen. In an orderly manner, please.
Unidentified Russian, speaking through an interpreter: Sir, first may I apologize for the former USSR's imperialistic attack on Islamic Afghanistan...
Yes, yes, get on with it.
Sir, most of your targets have already been compromised over the years by the failures of the various levels of US governments to maintain their infrastructure such as bridges, water supplies, railroad tracks, power plants, air traffic control systems, banks, credit card companies... The Americans are used to summer brown-outs, contrived gasoline shortages, defective airplanes, computer viruses. And if we bring down the telephone system and the internet, no one will know of our accomplishment.
Malasian: Besides, we and our brothers in Korea and China are already clogging the e-mail servers with SPAM and destructive viruses.
Korean: how about hospitals and doctors offices?
Chinese: They're already fucked-up on their own accord. Besides, we certainly don't want to take the blame off of their shoulders.
Unidentified European: Gentlemen, gentlemen. May I comment? Ronald Reagan claims credit for the fall of the USSR, but it really crumbled of its own corruption and inefficiency. The same thing is happening to US capitalism and imperialism. Acts of vengence on our parts, no matter how tempting, only strengthen the power of the Bush-Ashcroft Administration by giving them a target outside of their own country. They've already seized on it as a guarantee of reelection and of legitimizing the imposition of the martial law. 911 only created an excuse for the Bush Administration to dump the US Constitution.
Osama: Exactly. Haven't you read Das Kapital? That's how it's done. Create an outside enemy as an excuse for accelerated repression of the masses, who will eventually revolt of their own accord. It didn't work in Germany, or in non-industrialized countries, but it worked in Tsarist Russia. Nobody knows why.
European: Are you saying capitalism is crumbling too?
Osama: In its present form, yes. But taking its place is an aristocracy of obcenely rich men, of which I am one. Reversion to the Dark Ages of ignorance, feudalism, and collaboration with the priests. Wonderful! But enough philosophy. What do you computer experts suggest?
Inscrutible Chinese Person: May I suggest that you do nothing. Your airplane strike struck the fear it intended. They're waiting for the other shoe to drop. The anticipation is a million times more effective than anything that could possibly be more dramatic than the World Trade Center.
Mullah: You are wise for a China Person.
China Person: wise, smize. Confucius said it all a thousand years ago. That's how we got the rep for being inscrutible and crafty. Is "may you live in interesting times" a blessing or a curse?
Osama: Thank you all. I will consider your suggestions and advice. So that your time is not wasted, there will be a small gift for you at the gate.
Sounds of scraping chairs and footsteps leaving the area. A short while later, sounds of automatic weapons.
Minion: Boss, you didn't do anything on the American infidel's Independence Day. Didn't you threaten to?
Osama: I don't remember what the standing orders are. It's all up to the task forces now anyway. But we don't have to do anything else for a long time. Their own government and media are keeping the state of fear going all on their own.
Minion: But Boss, if we don't mount another dramatic attack, the Infidel American Government will claim success in their Islamist War.
Osama: Where did you get this "Islamist War" bit?
Minion: CNN.
[rest of tape garbled]
We will publish more tapes as they are translated. Watch this space.
Disclaimer: If you do not understand irony and sarcasm, then surf elsewhere on the Internet.
