Glossary of Politically Correct Terms

EUPHEMISMS: When you don't care enough to use the very best word. (The latest fad in euphemisms is "politically correct" language, which is difficult to invent since it is impossible not to offend someone in the world.)

Plagiarism: Previously Owned Prose (as in "this list was plagiarized from a Washington Post column")
Road Kill: Vehicularly Compressed Maladapted Life Form
Cowardly: Challenge Challenged
Cannibalism: Intra-Species Dining
Vomiting: Unplanned Reexamination of Recent Food Choices
Alcoholic: Anti-Sobriety Activist
Vice President: Post-Coronary Leader of the Free World
Abortion: Near-Life Experience
Rudeness: Tact Avoidance
Assassination: Involuntary Term Limitation
Shoplifter: Cost-of-Living Adjustment Specialist
Dead: Actuarially Mature
Homelessness: Mortgage-Free Living
Corpse: Permanently Static Post-Human Mass
Loser: Second Place