ALFRED E. NEUMAN FOR PRESIDENT
"He is just as smart as the other candidates, and twice as popular"
On the Issues:
- Guaranteed Health Care: ban all HMO's
and medical insurance. Outlaw the American Medical Association. Change the
medical deductions on the 1040 to 100%. Result: People will shop for their
medical needs, thereby reducing inflated prices of pharmaceuticals, laboratories,
doctors, and hospitals. After all, medical insurance is designed to guarantee
that the medical industry be paid, not that people receive adequate treatment.
- Social Security: Since when?
- Education: The Government should stay out of
it. Government interference only perpetuates existing stupidity.
- Welfare: Get a job.
- National Security: Who would be stupid enough
to invade the U.S.? And what would they do with us if they won? Would it be
any worse than what we have now?
- Congress: Cut salaries to what these idiots
are worth. Minium wage for entry level.
- Protecting the public from itself: The government
has no business interfering in people's lives or protecting us from our own
- Lobbyists and Special Interests: Tax
all cash flow at 50%.
Tax all religious institutions
that engage in politics. (separation of church and state works both ways)
- Equal Rights: Get
- Personal Income Tax: Dump
it. Flat tax corporations 50% of gross with no deductions
On the Candidate
- He decided to run for office because the other candidates were all so boring.
- He has never failed at business, defrauded the Small Business Administration,
sought special favors from the Government, or inhaled.
- His brother never fixed his election.
- He has no wife to cheat on.
- He is not a politician and makes no promises, which he wouldn't keep anyway.
- He has never been investigated by 60 Minutes, ATF, IRS, or the National
Inquirer. He doesn't know Matt Drudge or that Coulter woman.
- Heads of State: "I don't know them. They're all foreigners anyway."
- Despite his resemblence to the incumbent, he is not related to the Bushes
or the Walkers.
On Reforming the Government
- Merge the Department of Justice, FBI, CIA, DIA, and ATF. Move them all to
a compound in Area 51 and post National Guard or Reservist MP's as sentries.
- Disband the IRS, lay off all employees and relocate them to their own "retirement"
community in Area 51.
I Want Your Vote on Election Day!
Vote Early, and Vote Often
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